If you know me personally I’m fat AF so recently I bought an exercise bike. As I’m spinning in this $150 hamster wheel I’ve been binging TV shows I missed because I’m writing stuff.
One of the shows I blasted through is DC’S Legends of Tomorrow. As I’m spinning away the one thing I couldn’t help noticing (because
I’m an authority on time travel I’ve been working on a time travel pilot/screenplay for a long time) is that Rip Hunter and the rest of the legends are really bad at their job.
For the first season they need to “kill” Vandal Savage who is some sort of magical immortal that ends up as Earth’s dictator for life. They go through all these time periods and *SPOILER* they finally do it in the most convoluted way possible.
For this thought experiment lets assume Rip, or another time traveler like him, is going to read this. And if you’re him, I’m going to help you out buddy.
Pick me up
Because obviously all the Time Master training ain’t doing jack for you.
Don’t bring the C team
Atom? Captain Cold? Really? Generic blonde ninja that I didn’t bother to learn her name?
We know Batman exists in that universe, so it only goes to follow that Mister Freeze is running around too. I don’t remember why you needed a crook that could freeze things. But if you’re going to get one, skip Captain Cold and go with Mister Freeze.
As a bonus, you can also
grab ask Batman to help you out. Because if he goes along with you the chances of you being successful in your mission goes up by 10,000%.
Also you have the entire wealth of human history at your fingertips. Why not grab other historical figures to help you? How about Jesus?
I’m no holy roller, but all I’m saying is that if you want to kill an immortal you could do worse than having the son of God on your side.
Vandal Savage didn’t start off immortal
You have a goddamn time machine Rip, work backwards. Back track him before your first encounter. Befriend him. Find out when and where he was born then drown the little S.O.B. That’s right, you don’t like killing kids. FINE-
Full on assault in ancient Egypt
I’m assuming that you didn’t listen to my advice about not picking up the C team. But hell, the C team you got could hopefully beat the bejeezus out of a civilization who’s greatest weapon innovation are bronze coated sticks.
If you didn’t fuck that up and you have Vandal in your brig this next bit is very important.
Put him in a vat of reinforced concrete then launch him into the sun
That might not kill him per say, but he’s not going anywhere for several billion years. By the time he does gets out the Earth will already have been swallowed by the sun. There won’t be any solar system. The only thing left for him to do is float in space forever.
It’s probably your fault he he hates you enough to kill your family
Rip, lets be honest. You attacked him first. I know from your perspective he started it by killing your wife and kid. But from his he’s chilling in ancient Egypt and some
Time Lord British guy with a duster tries to murder him. It’s not just that once either, it’s several times throughout his long life.
It wasn’t until the 1970s he realized that you’re a time traveler. So maybe if you stop yourself from trying to kill him, he won’t do shit to your wife and kid.
Also if you’re more than willing to take your team, Einstein, and God knows what else, out of the timeline you could do the same with your kid.
Remember future time travelers as the one true Time Master Doc Brown said “You have to think fourth dimensionally.” If you know someone’s past, present, and future taking him out of the timeline should be an afternoon job.
Also again, if you are a future time traveler I’m not doing anything in the next hour. Feel free to pick me up. I have a whole bunch of things I want to go Back to the Future on.